Hard times

So the past 6ish months have been hell. The bf and I broke up, so for those of you who were hoping to see it work, sorry ain't gonna happen. I was in and out of the hospital. I had pneumonia and found out I had a miscarriage. They thought I may have cancer. Turns out I don't but I am anemic but thats no biggie cuz all I gotta do is take some iron. But I feel tired and weak all the time. I'm having money problems so I went back to work at sns during the day and my current job at night. oh, and my mom's husband is currently in jail for hitting me. So the now ex-bf use to be my best friend and now he wont even talk to me.

dealing with a mono/poly relationship

Well I guess I'll start at the beginning:
Almost 2 years ago I started dating this guy i was pretty into, and we both agreed that we'd be non-exclusive and date other people (I had no idea until recently he was polyamorous or what that meant). I was fine with it (he was even sort of dating someone when we got together) but then it turned into a relationship and I fell in love with him. When it comes to love I'm really monogamous but he isn't.

Now: I'm struggling with this idea and concept. I love him and want him to be happy, but I also want to be happy. We've been fighting a lot, and we have both lost some respect for each other. I've been hurt a lot recently with his actions with other girls. I've felt pain, anger, abandonment, betrayal and fear. I know nothing of what polyamory is, the first I've even heard of it was recently from a friend of ours. So now I'm looking into it, trying to figure out how to deal with a poly person and get the view point of others in this type of relationship and how other monos deal with their partner being poly.

What now: We're currently on break so we can try to figure things out. I guess we both need to come up with a list of what we need and try to come up with rules and compromises. I've joined a few forums and support groups and have learned a lot. It may even be possible for us to both be happy in this relationship. Anyway, I'm going to be posting our progress in hopes to help other people like me, because I've had a lot of help from others in similar situations in the past few days.

Relationships pt. 1

Are always so complicated, and I seem to find myself in the most complicated situations as possible. There are all these rules and expectations, but then there are extra rules that comes with a relationship like mine... Why can't things be simple? Y'know, it can't ever be " he loves her, she loves him so thats all that matters, and they'll get married and grow old together and only need to be with eachother"... nope doesnt work that way! Seriously? Why does it have to be so complicated? I use to think that love was enough, any relationship can survive anything as long as the couple loves eachother... But now I just dont think its true. When you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, its never as simple as that. There's always something to get in the way... there's always some problem that just ruins it all. Whether its different views on what a relationship should be (or how it should be) or one of you have commitment issues and the other is ready for the next step, there's always some obstical that needs to be overcome.
And then even overcoming those obsticals become complicated, adding to the mess of overwhelming complication. It can't be like " Ok we both want to save this relationship, so we'll both change(cause thats what you do in a relationship) and we'll stop fighting and we'll live long happy lives with eachother" Nope! Doesn't seem to work that way... either you realize that no matter how much you love a person things will never get better so you break up without even trying, or you try to hard and blow past the obsticals and things end very badly, or one of you is expected to change while the other stays exactly the same even though both people need to change within arelationship... the people in the relationship need to grow and change with eachother and with the relationship...
Why is there so much fear in a relationship, from both sides, not just one. And I'm guilty of it too, we all are... We're afraid to love another person so deeply we leave oursleves open and vulnerable, we're so afraid to lose the other person so you become ridiculously insane and end up comeing face to face with that fear, we're afraid of taking the next step and letting the relationship evolve to the next level out of fear of being inadequate or missing out on other possiblities...seriously the list goes on and on... Its like we can't ever learn to trust a person so completely that there is always so underlining fear just waiting to show its evil little face an d ruin a relationship... We should just learn to trust that we can be happy with th eperson we love, and trust that they can love us back and complete us in a way that no one else can.

New at this

So this is my first blog written (outside of myspace). I'm really new at this and just have to get my thoughts out there. There's so much that goes on in the world and in my life, and sometimes I just need to vent about it. I figure that doing a blog was a way to do just that. Its a way to get my thoughts and opinions on a variety of topics out there and maybe find similar or opposing views on the subject. Hey feel free to comment on anything I write, I would love your view/opinion, thats part of why I started this thing anyway. Some of my blogs will probably even be open to a debate of some sort.